A Child's Special Gifts

Don’t Ignore Your Child’s Special Gifts,

But Don’t Go Overboard Either!

By: Krystal W. Abbott

Objectively speaking, can your child sing, dance, act, or write? Are they any good at football, volleyball, basketball, swimming, track or athletic in any sport? Are they articulate, verbal or opinionated? Are they analytical, strong in math, the sciences or in engineering? If so, as a parent, you must take note that those gifts exist and nurture them.

Also, as a parent, it is so hard to notice the special qualities of your children.

I mean, we are so busy clothing them, feeding them, running them around, keeping up with the academic piece, enforcing rules and order in the household, monitoring what is going on socially with the boys and girls traversing in and out of their lives . . . How the heck can we be expected to pay attention to whether or not they are potentially REALLY GOOD at something?? Well, it’s not easy.

There are so many activities you can put your kid into that there is no way they can sample every single sport, activity, instrument, etc. to see what they will gravitate toward. Here is some advice as to how to start this gift seeking process:

* Put your kid in a small variety of recreational activities sponsored by your local gym, YMCA or recreational center. These are 6 - 8 week programs that will run you between $75.00 to $150.00. You can get an idea from enrolling them into these types of programs what your kid likes and what they have some potential in being good at.

* Don’t make your kid stick with anything for more than a year if they don’t like what you have them in. You need to show them not to just give up on things before they give it a chance, but at the same time you don’t want to keep them in an activity that they are miserable in and that you are paying good money for. A year is long enough! If it is a real struggle and there is crying and drama before it is time to get them to the activity all of the time, then cut it to 6 months. You just don’t want your kid getting in the habit of trying something for two minutes and then giving up on it as soon as it gets difficult or boring. No activity no matter how much your kid loves it is not fun and exciting all of the time!

* Ask your kids what they would like to do.

* Pay attention to what your kids do without being prompted (i.e., singing around the house, shooting hoops, writing stories, reading, playing chess or other games, etc.) Clearly, they like doing those activities and typically they can be parlayed into some type of organized activity.

Once you identify what your kid likes to do and what they are good at, support them on it. Find opportunities for them to get better at their craft or sport. Do what you can to encourage them, guide them and help them to be confident about their new undertaking.

And always remember that it is THEIR activity and what THEY like to do . . . NOT yours and what you want them to do.

S-E-X-Y pt. 5 - No Time for Nookie?! | workingmother.com

S-E-X-Y pt. 5 - No Time for Nookie?! workingmother.com

Types of Moms

What Type of Mom are You?

By: Krystal W. Abbott

　

There are four types of moms: (1) the career driven, high achieving mom who wants executive level responsibilities, money, power and/or a title and a family; (2) the working mom who needs to earn money in order to run her household and wants to have a family; (3) the max and relax mom who spends her day for the most part shopping, at the spa and socializing and wants to have a family; and (4) the stay at home mom who takes an active role in the development of her children and in the running of her home. Regardless of what type of mom you are, in order to have well adjusted children, you MUST fit four key things into your schedule.

First, you MUST spend quality time with your kids. Talk to them. Go to their games, concerts, plays, recitals and other activities. Spend one on one time with them. This will build a trust and bond between you and your child. Second, you MUST give them household chores to do and not just cleaning their room. This will give them responsibilities and keep them from becoming lazy slobs who believe it is someone else’s job to cook and clean. Third, you MUST be observant and identify your child’s strengths and weaknesses. Then find ways to support them so that they can succeed in the areas where they are strong and progress in the areas where they are weak. Finally, you MUST provide a structured and disciplined environment for your child. This is important so that your child will know what the rules and boundaries are and that there will be consequences if they are not followed.

Implementing these four directives sounds easy and basic but it is not! It requires a lot of work and effort and will cause you a lot of frustration and aggravation. But the exasperation you feel now will pale in comparison to the reward of having raised well adjusted, independent, and successful children who will be more than happy to return the favor by taking care of you in your old age!

Bonding with Older Adopted Children

Bonding With Your Older Adopted Child

So often when the conversation is about bonding with an older adopted child the focus is on the adopted child and their inability to "attach" to their adopted family because of their unstable, abusive, or neglected childhood from their birth to the age of 5 years old and beyond. But what about the adopted parents’ inability to bond with the older child because of whatever dynamic is going on between the adopted child and the parent? Saving an older adopted child from the foster care system may sound like a charitable, loving and formidable thing to do, but you should not adopt an older child if your only reason for doing so is to "save" the child. You will need to bond with your adopted child so that you will grow to love the child and help him or her get back on track developmentally, academically and emotionally. You will not immediately bond with your newly adopted child. I venture to say you may grow to not even like the child. It is unrealistic to think that you will immediately love this little stranger who undoubtedly has many problems as a result of being with unfit parents and subsequently being in the foster care system.

Take one day at a time. Be patient. Use whatever support you have around you to help you grow closer to the child (i.e., your spouse, your other biological children, your parents, other family members, friends, therapist, etc.). Focus on the child’s good behaviors, qualities and traits. Talk with the child to better understand where his or her head is on different topics. Discipline is key. Provide structure for this child who has been all over the place for most of his or her life. Say what you mean and mean what you say. This trust building process will build the necessary bond between you and your adopted older child.

By: Krystal W. Abbott

Stay at Home Mom

To Be or Not to Be a Stay at Home

Mom . . . That is NOT the Question!

By: Krystal W. Abbott

I have been all over the map . . . I have been a "stay at home mom;" an "in between jobs mom;" a "work from home mom;" and a "working mom." As a mother, one of the most important things for me to accomplish is to have a healthy relationship with my children and to help them thrive, be independent and grow up into happy, well adjusted children, teenagers, and young adults. After being every type of mom there is, I no longer believe that you have to be a "stay at home mom" to be the best kind of mom for your children. It is true that for the most part "stay at home moms" are more available to attend to their children’s needs and are just around more in general. And this is a great thing! However, I think moms are more fulfilled as individuals if they have something going on in their lives that is theirs and separate and a part from their children’s lives (i.e., a work from home job, a work from home business, a traditional job, a platform, a cause, a position, a charity, etc.) A more fulfilled mom makes for a happier and more balanced mom!

Also, your children will have a higher level of respect and appreciation for you and what you do in your efforts to raise them and run your household knowing that you are also working hard to fulfill other goals and achieve other objectives which don’t involve them. So, you don’t have to devote "all" of your time to your children to be a great mom . . . you just need to devote "quality" time to your children. They may complain sometimes because you are not able to be there for them every single time they may want you there (and of course the guilt sets in), but in the end they will value your worth as a mom and hold you in higher esteem for helping them live their lives while at the same time living your own.

Moms . . . Get a Life!

By: Krystal W. Abbott

So often as moms we get involved in our children’s lives. Of course this is normal since they are our children! However, there is "involved" and there is "engrossed." You want to be a part of what your kids are engaged or interested in. You want to be supportive and contribute toward them reaching their goals. What you don’t want to do is live their lives for them; live your life through theirs; or make your goals, dreams and expectations theirs.

It is easier said than done. It is more difficult for stay at home moms (moms who are not generating income) to only get "involved" as opposed to "engrossed" because raising the children and keeping the home in order are their only jobs. Therefore, a child’s failure to meet the goals and expectations set by the child or by the parent is not only a failure by the child, but is also deemed to be a failure by the stay at home mom. As a result, mom is overly motivated to make sure that the goal or expectation is met or else it is a negative reflection on the mom’s parenting. This of course leads to the goal and expectation of the child morphing into the goal and expectation of the mom. Don’t do it moms! This will assuredly result in the child not meeting the goal or expectation, and if he or she does, the relationship between the child and mom will disintegrate due to all of the friction generated by mom in her efforts to make her child meet the goal or expectation.

The best way to avoid this outcome can be summed up in two words: "Back Off!" You will get a sense of what your child gravitates toward, (i.e., volleyball, dance, acting, politics, track, engineering, cooking, football, etc.) without your interference. Once they figure out what they like to do, help them find ways to get better at it and be supportive while they are getting better at it. This way mom and child will be successful and everybody is happy!!

Late Night Bonding With Your Children

By: Krystal W. Abbott

It is the weirdest thing but suggest this whenever your child has a final, midterm, important paper or project that they are going to have to burn the midnight oil to finish. Tell them you will stay up with them while they work. Not necessarily to help them, but just to hang out in the same room with them while they work. You can be doing something productive as well like laundry, work from your job or business, paying bills, organizing something, a small quiet project you have been putting off, etc.). It is difficult enough for your student to get up to do school work super early or stay up super late in a quiet house where everyone else is asleep! Knowing you will be with your kid while he or she is doing school work will give them more motivation and encouragement to get up (or stay up) and take care of their business. They will also greatly appreciate the fact that you are missing out on your rest as well so that you can support them in accomplishing their goals.

That late night togetherness may also generate conversations about other things going on in your kid’s life. Even if it does not during every late night session, rest assured your child will feel more comfortable talking to you about what is going on with him or her because of the trust and support you are showing them through your actions of just being there for them while they are trying to earn high marks in their classes. Missing a little sleep is a small price to pay toward helping your child be successful. A little sleep deprivation can result in academic success and special bonding moments between you and your child!

Two Keys to Being a Successful Working Mom:

Flexibility and Balance!

By: Krystal W. Abbott

Ideally, it would be great to have the significant other bring home the bacon and have mom take care of the home and the children. However, a lot of women would either not be satisfied professionally with that scenario, or financially the home can only be sustained with two incomes, or there is no significant other! So, the solution for the working mom is not to find the best paying job in her field of interest, but rather to find employment or other income generating opportunities that best meet the needs of her family. The working mom needs to find a way to generate income that allows her (with the help of her children if they are old enough) to take care of what is required at home. She needs to find a way to generate income that allows her time to be a part of her children(s) lives. She needs to find a way to generate income that will not cause her undue stress, guilt and feelings of ineptitude. The key requirement for any working mom in seeking any employment or income generating opportunities is FLEXIBILITY and BALANCE so that she can be a good mother, worker, and mate without losing her mind in the process!

FLEXIBILITY - Find part-time employment and supplement it with stay at home income generating opportunities OR find full time employment which allows you to work flexible hours so that you can take your kids to school, or pick them up from school or help them with homework or make it to their after school or travel sports activities, etc.

BALANCE - Spend time working, with the kids, for yourself, with the significant other, with friends and with other family without spending too much time in one area.

SUPERMOMS . . . They Don’t Exist!

By: Krystal W. Abbott

It is 2012, so the mother who generates income outside of the home is old news! The mistake that we working mothers make is that we try to make everything happen inside and outside of our households successfully and as perfectly as possible (i.e., feed the children, educate the children, clean the house, make our significant other happy, bring in lots of income, be a stellar employee or business owner, volunteer at school, etc.). And believe it or not, it APPEARS that some working moms are being successful in living up to the "Supermom" status. However, those who appear to be the picture of perfection in reality have various aspects of their lives falling down around them . . . why . . . ? . . . because there is no such thing as a "Supermom."

So let’s back up. What is a "Supermom?" A "Supermom" is an exemplary mother who performs successfully and with excellence traditional duties of housework, child rearing, and community service, while being employed. (thefreedictionary.com; merriam-webster.com; dictionary.com). The problem is that no mom can do everything herself excellently. If she tries, she will run herself into the ground physically and emotionally. This will of course lead to guilt and depression (not necessarily clinical depression) and the feeling that she is failing at being successful at anything. So if mom can’t do it herself, she will hire it done in order to maintain the "Supermom" status. Hiring it done leads to less money for other things and less quality time with the kids (i.e., hiring a nanny, a housekeeper, a babysitter, a driver, tutors, etc.). This can lead to lazy, spoiled and self-entitled children since they won’t be responsible for cleaning up or doing anything. It will also lead to a strained relationship between working mom and her kids. Why?? Because she is not around to support her kids’ activities. And she is not around to talk to or to observe if something is going on with her kids. Why?? Because mom is too busy trying to be a great employee or business owner which requires her to be away from home a great deal. This of course does not make the significant other happy which puts a strain on that relationship too. And if mom tries to do more at home, her over extended employment responsibilities begin to falter. So the "Supermom" ends up really being a failure at everything and is not so "Super" after all.

Don’t fall for the "Supermom" hype! The key is to have balance in your life so that there is enough of YOU to go around.

ADHD Insecurities

I Hate ME ‘Cause I Have ADHD!

By: Krystal W. Abbott


Ok! We parents already know that our ADHD kids are inattentive, hyperactive and impulsive! We already know that they have difficulty staying on task; they lack focus and they are either distracting, distracted or are THE distraction. They are either on that oh so expensive medication i.e., Adderol, Concerta, Straterra . . . take your pick) or they are involved with some behavioral modification therapy. As a result of their "intriguing kind of mind," they are challenged academically and that is usually where all of the focus is . . . upon our kids’ sub par performance in school.


For just a moment, let’s look at building upon the gifts that ADHD has bestowed upon our children and use that as the focus of their "race car brains" instead of all of the perceived negative implications of ADHD. Think about it . . . what is your child’s special gift?? My daughter is very strong in the arts! She can sing, dance and act at the age of 13. The arts is an area that she excels in, in part because of her abundance of energy and personality that ADHD has given her. She will be in somebody’s Broadway play, movie or sitcom one day because performing is something she loves and thrives in in part because of the ADHD. As a parent, I was able to identify her strengths and I continue to support her in building upon those strengths.


You can do the same thing. I am sure your ADHD child has special gift(s), (i.e., sports, art, writing, singing, dancing, gymnastics, poetry, debating, etc.) that are there in part because of the ADHD. Help your child recognize those gifts and help him or her build upon them so their confidence can flourish and they can love who they are, embrace their condition and grow into thriving adults!

Choosing the Right Volleyball Club

By: Krystal W. Abbott

There is a laundry list of factors to consider in choosing the right volleyball club but who has time to interrogate a volleyball club coach or owner with 100 questions? What you first need to do is determine what YOU want your child to get out of the volleyball training. If the objective is exercise and for purely recreational purposes, then all you need to know is that the lessons are affordable and at a time and frequency that fall in line with your schedule, the facility is conveniently located, and the coaches have some experience as former players or in their length of coaching other athletes. 

If your volleyball athlete is more serious about playing volleyball at a higher level (i.e., your athlete has a desire to play varsity high school, collegiate and/or high performance team volleyball), you still don’t need to ask 100 questions! It’s real simple . . . if the answer is "yes" to the following 6 questions, then the club is worth trying (note that the cost is really not an issue because the more competitive clubs all pretty much charge about the same amount compared to others in the same geographical area):

1) Does your club participate in open bracket tournaments?

2) Do you not only offer 2-3 days of practice per week, but do you also offer other types of training (i.e., skills training, conditioning, weight training, group sessions, semi-private or private sessions, etc.)?

3) Are your coaches either former collegiate players or do they have extensive experience in coaching volleyball athletes?

4) Does your club have staff who actively participate in helping the volleyball athlete in their college recruiting efforts?

5) Does your club have athletes each year who are recruited to play college volleyball?

6) Is this a winning club at tournaments?

Even though you may get "yes" answers (followed by more details hopefully) to these questions, that does not necessarily mean that this club will be the right fit for you and your athlete . . . that’s why I said "yes" answers warrant giving the club a try. If is it a good fit, great! If not, rest assured that there are several other clubs in your area to choose from.

Volleyball Conditioning

Volleyball Players Hate to Run!

 

By: Krystal W. Abbott

If your volleyball athlete is serious about playing volleyball at a high level whether it is on a regional club team or on a national club team (i.e., they have a desire to play volleyball in college or at an Olympic level), you must encourage them to do more than the coach required practices. They must get in great athletic condition. This requires RUNNING AND WEIGHT TRAINING. This can be done on a routine basis on their off-volleyball practice days. They won’t want to do it! They may fight you on it! They won’t want to listen to you as the parent because you know nothing about volleyball . . . yeah right! If you need your athlete’s volleyball coach to help back you up on this advice, I am sure they will. Excellence requires extra effort. If your athlete is fine with playing recreational volleyball and is only doing it for fun and exercise, then pushing the running and weight training is not necessary. For the more serious volleyball players, it is a must. Gentle and persistent encouragement to engage in this additional training will be more effective than nagging! Your last resort should be a back handed threat: "well, since you are not willing to work hard to achieve your high volleyball goals, there is no reason for me to work hard to make these payments totaling thousands of dollars for club volleyball." Let’s see how much your volleyball athlete wants to pursue his or her high level volleyball goals now!

Adopting an Older Child

Adopting an Older Child

Are You Adopting for the Right Reasons?

Adopting an older child from your state’s foster care system (i.e., a child over the age of 2 years old) sounds like a great idea if you are trying to achieve two objectives: (1) having a child when you don’t have a problem with them not being biologically yours; and (2) providing a stable home environment for a child who has no permanent family. Before embarking upon the lengthy process of adopting an older child, think long and hard about why you think you want to adopt an older child. From a logistical standpoint, it is much easier to adopt an older child because there are many more of them. Also, the only cost in adopting an older child from the state’s foster care system is for the birth certificate and court costs which total about $275.00; a far cry from the very expensive private and over seas adoptions that can run tens of thousands of dollars. The logistics, however, can’t be the reason for adoption.

Is your biological clock ticking in your household and you feel it is time to be a parent? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to save a child from aging out of the system? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to get a playmate for your other child? That can’t be the reason. Are you trying to fill a void you feel is in your life? That can’t be the reason. All of these reasons sound great, but if you are not prepared to deal with the baggage that your newly adopted older child will bring into your home, then none of these reasons will prevent you from sending the kid back when the going gets tough, frustrating, and when things reach a level where you say to yourself "I don’t need this . . I am doing whatever I need to do to get out of this situation."

If you are going to do this thing right where you don’t traumatize the kid further, you really and truly must have an open and kind heart. You really have to have a genuine love and connection for and with children. You really have to have a lot of patience. You really have to want to put your self interests last and the interests of your adopted child first. It is helpful if a married couple is doing the adopting so when one parent is not feeling particularly patient, loving or kind, the other parent can pick up the slack. If you and your spouse together don’t have the traits listed above, the adoption will fail and the child will just end up back in the foster care system.

Carefully think about your decision to adopt an older child. Carefully screen the child prior to meeting him or her by reading their file, talking to their case worker and talking to anyone who has spent any time with the child. Lack of due diligence on your part in this regard could lead to further traumatizing the adopted child and/or result in the destruction of your family.

Love and Marriage

Love and Marriage

Communicate!

It is very easy to get bogged down with the daily routine of marriage. Initially, everything will appear fine because everybody is getting along and you are on a routine, i.e., get up, get ready for the day, get the kids off to school, go to work, come home, eat dinner, and go to bed. With kids the routine and schedule get even more full with before and after school activities, social outings, and various appointments. You will find that unless you make time to talk with your spouse about more than just who is taking who where, you and your spouse will be two ships passing in the night each and every day and there will never be any substantive conversation. As a result important decisions cannot be made about finances, social challenges that arise with your kids, academic issues at school, or other problems and concerns. There will be no meaningful discussion about things happening at work, family, friends, enemies, adult activities coming up on the calendar, vacation plans, etc. If you let too much time get by without taking the time to really talk with your spouse about what is going on, the two of you will eventually drift further and further apart. Once the kids leave the house, it will just be the two of you and you won’t even know each other! Not to mention that during those months and years of time when the two of you were not "really talking," several issues will get glossed over, swept under the rug, forgotten about, allowed to fester, and never resolved. You will also find that during that period of non-communication you and your spouse will rarely be on the same page about various things because you are not talking about it; which of course can lead to arguments and the undoing of the marriage.

SOLUTION - schedule a couple of hours 1 night a week for just you and your spouse to go out for a cocktail and/or a light bite to eat. Make it affordable and go during a regular or late night happy hour where the appetizers and beverages are much cheaper. Only be gone a couple of ours so you can afford a babysitter if necessary. Literally, 2 hours is all you will need. You don’t need to break the bank or get all dressed up or drive far to do this. Just make it easy and convenient. During that time you can chat about the week’s events, issues, problems, scheduling, and concerns. If there are no pressing issues to discuss that week, the two of you can just have a mindless conversation like you used to have before all of these responsibilities, obligations and kids came into the picture! It sounds easy and cliche’ to need to schedule a date with your spouse, but the more kids and the busier your schedule, the more difficult it is to do and the more important it is to do it. However, you have to make time to do it like you make time to eat everyday. At the end of the day scheduling this small amount of time on a weekly basis will make a huge difference in the survival of your marriage!

Bar Exam Failure

I Keep Failing the Bar Exam . . .

Is Somebody Trying to Tell Me Something?

If you have ever taken the bar exam and failed it one, two or more times, I am sure you have questioned whether or not you should be an attorney; whether or not you should figure out another career to pursue; whether you will ever pass the bar exam; whether you should have gone to law school at all! The truth of the matter is that these are all legitimate questions. But the other truth of the matter is that none of the answers to those questions matter. You have embarked on the journey to become a licensed attorney. You must complete the journey . . . period . . . end of story. You can’t give up! You have invested too much time and money into this venture called becoming a lawyer. Even if law ends up not being your calling in life . . . even if law school was not the right graduate school of choice, none of it matters! You have to pass the bar no matter how long it takes or how many attempts you must make. If you don’t finish the journey, you will always regret it.

I took the bar exam 8 times over a period of 9 years. I got married and had 3 of my kids before I was finally able to pass the exam. Frustrating? Absolutely! Low points? Lots of them! Passing the bar? Sweet Victory! You can do it! Don’t give up the fight, as Bob Marley says. You have to keep pushing and striving to achieve what is rightfully yours . . . a bar license to practice law. Don’t let your state bar of law examiners deny you what you have invested so much of your time and money into. You can do it! Don’t let anything stop you from completing the journey!

Get Your Volleyball Athlete Recruited

　
By: Krystal W. Abbott

In a perfect world, your potential collegiate level high school volleyball player will some how miraculously be discovered by a slew of college recruiters and they will all find out when he or she is playing so they can come observe their level of play. Then they will just love him or her and you will have tons of college recruiters knocking at your door begging your daughter or son to join their volleyball program. Well, the world is not perfect and that is not at all how it works! Getting your child recruited can be summed up in one word – Proactivity!
Once you have identified the 30 or fewer schools on your recruitment list, go to each of the university websites and find the e-mail addresses for each head coach, assistant coach, associate coach and director of volleyball operations for each of your listed universities. Put these addresses into a group e-mail data base. Have your athlete send a group e-mail introducing him or herself and attach their volleyball resume with all of their contact information, volleyball stats, high school and club experience, and academic and extra curricular information. Then, whenever your athlete does something worth reporting to a college coach (i.e., local newspaper acknowledgment, a tournament win, you tube video link of some volleyball game footage, pictures, etc.) send it in the group e-mail addressees. This will save a lot of time and will give your athlete nationwide exposure with the click of the "send" button.

The key is that you must be proactive in helping your athlete market themselves and in helping to give them exposure to their identified college coaches. Once you have your tournament or high school game schedule, send that to the college coaches so they can mark their calendars and make an effort to see your athlete play if they are interested. No coach will ever know about your athlete unless you tell them and show them! Take action and be proactive in your athlete’s journey to being a recruited college volleyball player!

Volleyball Recruitment

What Universities Should be on My

"Recruit Me for a Volleyball Scholarship" List

　

By: Krystal W. Abbott

Narrow down the number of schools of interest to your athlete to no more than 30. The narrowing down process really depends on what you are looking for in a university. Some of the factors to take into consideration when choosing this list of schools are as follows and not necessarily in this order:

1. The ranking or level of excellence in a particular major or degree program

2. Volleyball program record

3. Division I, Division II, Division III or NAIA university

4. In state or out of state

5. Climate

6. Ease or difficulty in traveling from home to the university and vice versa

7. The financial burden of traveling from home to the university and vice versa

8. How aggressive or lack luster is the recruiting effort by the university

9. Turn over in coaching staff

10. Turnover in athletes

11. Academic requirements

12. College entrance exam score requirements

13. Coaching style and dynamics of the program

14. The financial commitment if a full scholarship is not received

15. The size of the university

16. Whether the university is in an urban, suburban or rural area

17. Ethnic diversity

18. Demands of the volleyball program

19. Playing time during their freshman year

20. Gut feeling about how your college athlete will fit in at the university

Identifying the core group of schools that you want to stay connected with about your volleyball progress is the first step in the journey to being recruited by a college coach. Take your time and form a solid list. This exercise is not just about the question of "what school would want me?" It is more about the question of "what school do I want to go to?" With the requisite talent, attitude and admission requirements, you can write your ticket and have your pick of any school on your list.

No Kid is a Parent’s Favorite all the Time!

No Kid is a Parent’s Favorite all the Time!

　
By: Krystal W. Abbott
 

Some parents are apprehensive about having more than one child because they are afraid they will not love different children the same way or that they will treat one more favorably than the other(s) or that they will just like one more than the other(s). You will definitely love each of your children equally because they are all your children. However, it is true that you will like one or more of your children more or less than your other children which may cause you to treat them differently. But the good news is that no one child will be your most liked child all of the time because they all will get on your nerves at some point. They will all do something to annoy, aggravate or anger you at some point. They will each periodically fall out of favor. So the perfect favorite child who can do no wrong

. . . WILL . . and then that favortism will shift to the other kids who are rubbing you the right way that particular day.

All children are different with different temperaments, strengths, weaknesses, gifts, and talents. Because of all of that, each of your children will work themselves into and out of your "favoritism" spotlight throughout their childhood and young adult lives. Likewise, they will also make appearances on your less than favorable list. So you see, . . .. it all balances out in the end. Your children will grow up feeling equally loved and cared for. If you can have a big family (i.e., 3+ children) by all means do it! Having a large family certainly comes with its share of chaos, noise, conflicting schedules, sleep deprivation and money shortages. But believe it or not, the benefits, the rewards and the memories are plentiful, and irreplaceable and will provide a stable and positive foundation for the nuclear families your children will form in the future.

Club Volleyball . . . Is it Worth the Expense?

Club Volleyball . . . Is it Worth the Expense?

　

By: Krystal W. Abbott

What is club volleyball? There are thousands of volleyball clubs country wide. They are programs which allow your volleyball middle schooler or teenager to play volleyball during the winter, spring and/or summer months. Volleyball season is in the fall so the clubs allows volleyball lovers to play during the off season. Certainly, if you want to use the volleyball clubs for the spring/summer camps they offer or for the local tournament teams your child could be a part of, they are definitely worth the expense. The cost is reasonable (i.e., approximately $150.00 for a period of weeks of camp and approximately $500.00 for participation on a local tournament team). It is when your child wants to participate in state or national volleyball tournaments when you as parents really need to assess the value of club volleyball participation.

State and national volleyball team participation will run you between $2,000.00 and $3,000.00 for one club season (i.e., approximately 10 tournaments) . . . and that is just for the volleyball tuition! That does not include travel, lodging and meal expenses you will incur for these 2 and 3 day out of town tournaments . . . which will run you another $3,000.00 to $6,000.00! So, UNLESS you have unlimited discretionary income and/or you don’t have a problem spending this kind of money for several years, this is my advice to you . . . ASSESS WHETHER OR NOT YOUR CHILD HAS A LEGITIMATE SHOT AT PLAYING COLLEGIATE LEVEL VOLLEYBALL AT A DIVISION I OR DIVISION II UNIVERSITY BEFORE YOU SIGN YOUR CHILD UP TO PLAY ON A STATE OR NATIONAL CLUB VOLLEYBALL TEAM. Division III colleges do not offer athletic scholarships.

That assessment can be made with the assistance of middle school, high school, recreational and club coaches. If the answer is YES, then the investment in club volleyball at the national and state level is definitely worth it. College recruiters make it their business to be present at club volleyball tournaments in search of new talent. That is also the best opportunity for them to do recruiting since their volleyball season with their current college athletes is over. The five figure investment will be well worth the six figure return in the form of an athletic scholarship. Otherwise parents, club volleyball on the national or state level is ill-advised. There are several other less expensive avenues to exhaust which would give your child the volleyball experience without going broke while doing it.

Adopting an Older Child

Adopting an Older Child

Attachment

By: Krystal W. Abbott

Have you adopted a child older than the age of 2 years old?  Is it a challenge or what?? The attachment issue is surely one you will be confronted with. Having adopted an 8 year old little boy, we are in the throws of navigating through our own attachment issues. "Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) is the proper psychological term, and is generally diagnosed in situations where the child has experienced caregiving that is poor, chaotic, abusive, and inconsistent, and where the child has had multiple caregivers." Parenting Your Adopted Older Child, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., Oakland, CA, 2002, p. 15. Some of the behaviors we have identified in our situation are: "[s]uperficially charming actions;" "[i]nability to link cause and effect;" "[a]ttempts to control all situations, sometimes by manipulation, sometimes by aggression," "[l]ow impulse control," and "[a]ffection toward strangers."

There are several ways to overcome the attachment challenge depending upon your individual situation. One thing that is a definite MUST regardless of what attachment problems you are experiencing is WEEKLY therapy for the child and therapy as needed for adoptive family members. There is no excuse for not doing it; and it is critical for the sanity of the family and the resolution of the adoptive child’s attachment issues. Most adopted older children were in foster care through the state in which they live. The state will cover therapy expenses until the child is 18 years old and possibly beyond the age of majority. Just find a therapist close to where you live who accepts Medicaid. The social worker facilitating your adoption can be very helpful in assisting you in locating a conveniently located therapist prior to the finalization of the adoption. The entire family can see the same therapist as needed at the state’s expense as the purpose for the treatment is all related to the adoption. My adopted son is 10 years old now, so the challenges still exist. Two years may seem like a long time, but it is DEFINITELY NOT. Have patience and a lot of it because it is going to be a long and frustrating road between now and achieving the goal of having a well adjusted adopted older child.